running circles in my mind

 Sara Hickman's voice is very easy to listen to and easy to sing with.  Her song, "I Wish I Could Run" got me to thinking.  Sometimes, it takes little to find similar threads and connections when I am pre-occupied with a notion.

Outside the lines of baltimore
There’s a cemetary sleeping
I stopped to watch you yelling at your dog
The effect was rather creepy
In front of strangers long since gone
I watched you hammer home your hate
Someday you’ll look back at what you’ve become
A ghost behind a gate
Oh ohh oh
I wish I could run to save you
I wish I could run
I wish I could run to save you
I can’t be the one
You could blame it on the way he would hit you
The taste of blood mingled with shame
And there’s a feeling that lies deep within you
But you cannot give it a name
No one can understand me you say
No one knows your pain
You shake your fists and raise your voice
Here comes the madness again
Oh ohh oh
I wish I could run to save you
I wish I could run
I wish I could run to save you
I can’t be the one
No I can’t be the one
You wish you were more like me but I’m not
Who you make me out to be
You wish you were more like me but
I’m not who you make me out to be
No one can understand me you say
No one knows your pain
You shake your fists and raise your voice
Here comes the madness again
Oh ohh oh
I wish I could run to save you
I wish I could run
I wish I could run to save you
I can’t be that
I wish I could run to save you
Ohh I wish I could run
I wish I could run to save you
I can’t be the one
No I can’t be the one
No I can't be the one So, what's the current notion looping through my mind?  Well, not surprisingly the completion of another year of life (wahoo!) has brought on the usual evalutions.  The thing is, I ain't no spring chick-a-dee...sure, my life is not oooooooover but there are certain things that ought to be taken into consideration soon, if I plan to consider them at all.  What I mean is that in many ways I feel like I have not been very attentive, sorta disassociative, sorta disconnected, sorta coasting along...I feel like I am awakening in some ways.  Every now and then, I gotta remind myself to stay in the moment, with some short-term goals for the near future, some long-term goals for the next few years to work toward and guide my progress.  Since becoming derailed last year, I have been focussed so much so on just getting through the day, situation, and sometimes just the moment or the next breath was a challenge.  I am in a strange place now, because I can think more clearly than I had for quite some time, but I still tire so easily and quickly.  I think I am feeling some pressure (from myself) to figure out what's the plan, man?  What are some goals I want to set for myself to give myself some purpose, some guidance, some parameters to work within?  I had hoped to return to my PhD program.  While I haven't abandoned all hope, the truth of the matter is:  I don't think can take on those demands, perform well, and still remain healthy at this point.  And what's more is, I don't know when I might be able to do so.  In many ways, this is a hard pill to swallow.  I've been teaching in colleges and universities for over 10 years.  I started conducting stats workshops for graduate students while still working on my Bachelors' degrees.  For so long, academia has been my world.  I defined my very Self by how well I did in my academic pursuits.  I always looked to education as my ladder of success, my bedrock of safety, my escape from the real-world.  I miss it.  I miss it so very much.  I research almost everything exhaustively, even now.  Anything and everything that I ever have any questions about, I am poking around, til I feel satisfied with my newfound knowledge.  I write constantly, scribbling notes here and there, typing, journalling, short blurbs, stories, memories, fiction, poetry, factoids, non-fiction, and yet, I can't seem to focus on any ONE thing long enough to follow it through to completion.  I feel like an utter failure.  I KNOW I am not.  But that's how I FEEL.  Ya know what I mean?  Time is not on my side.  It's not against me.  I just don't have the same flexibility anymore.  My resilience is worn.  If I ever want children, I have to do some serious thinking.  For lots and lots of reasons.  One is that there are certain health issue to take into account and as I age, the probability of a birth-child having complications (Down's, etc) increases.  Yes, adoption is a consideration.  But will I be able to?  And what if my guy and I decide to wait til he is through with school, established in his career and home, to marry and then have children (birth or adopted)...how far down the road is that?  What sort of parent would I be any way?  If I do become pregnant, it should be planned.  Not only for financial sake, attention abilities, etc. but also because I would need to discontinue any and all medications prior to prenancy (how far prior, I haven't yet figured out, still researching, just in case).  If I became pregnant, unplanned...well, the damage from some of my medications could be done before I even know I am pregnant.  Yes, there is the possibilty that all will be fine.  Healthy children do come manage to beat the odds of mother's age of pregnancy and mother's health and such.  I just want to optimize what I can, to control what I can, to minimize and prevent what I can.  Then too, there is the whole marriage question.  My guy and I have discussed all these matters and more.  So, we know that eventually we want to marry each other.  But we are not sure of the timing, and I need to do all sorts of searching about that and how it might affect my monies and ability to contribute to the marriage, financially.  If I move from this area, to join him in that area, then I need to establish new healthcare support.  There's just so much to take into account.  Not the least of which is what am I going to DO.  Ideally, writing would fit the bill, so to say.  I would be able to have some flexibility, so if I needed to nap, or take a break, well then ok.  But there are stiff deadlines in some areas.  Publishing is not exactly a world one just slips into without the right connections and knowing the ins and outs, the who's and hows.  So, what's my purpose, who am I, what am I to do, will I marry (and when), and what about the entire child/parenthood issue?  WHAT DO I DO?  What are some goals?  What do I want to do?  It's enough to spin my head, making my brain whirl until it spirals out of control, and then, I end up thinking, "what's the use anyway?  Oh, who am I kidding?  If I can't even cope with just contemplating these things, HOW can I hope to actually do any of these, let alone all of them, let alone do them well?"  Oh, I know nothing needs to be decided right now, this very minute...but I have been thinking of all these things and more for months now and seemingly no further than I was then.  So, what to do, what to do...?  I can not even PLAN things, let alone DO them.  May be, this is just frustration speaking, the birthday-thing prompting a pre-mid-life crises of sorts...but, I don't think so.  I think I gotta get my ass in gear, or rather my head straight, or hell, it'd be nice if I could get both my head and ass to agree.  So, got some soul searching, mind scouring, brain shaking, butt scuttling to DO...sigh, wish me luck.