peevish of me, ain't it?

My guy is reading, studying and I thought I would not disturb him with music.  Besides there are sometimes when no music to intrude on my reflections is a good thing.  Speaking of reflections, it seems that the listings under the "mood" option are rather limited...you cannot type whichever mood, but must select from a predetermined range of moods (or choose none, i suppose, but i know that i am never without feeling, even if that feeling is an emptiness).  So i can't choose accurate descriptions of the moods i am actually feeling.

Maybe though I am in a very sensitive mood this evening though.  I don't think so, because the things that are irritating me the most now, irritated me earlier, and annoyed me yesterday.  mostly it is this:  i am doing several online bible studies.  Each one is slightly different in its approach.  But the one that I am the most excited about, looking forward to each lesson, is the one I cannot access right now.  And i have no idea why.  i spoke with another student who is engaged in the study too and she cannot access it either.  it is not the server, because other parts of the site are up and running, we just cannot log in.  the reason this annoys me is because there was such a big deal made about the obligation and commitment of this study.  the terms to sign up included being clear that this study was to be taken seriously and not a halfhearted endeavor.  so how serious can i take it if i cannot even sign in to access my current lesson, journal, goals, or prayer list?

and i sheepishly admit that this most likely is NOT a christianly attitude to have.  i am a new christian, having been agnostic my entire life, altho i studied various belief systems from an academic perspective.  so perhaps this is one way in which i am learning patience.  if that is the case, then obviously, i am not learning the lesson well!

Pet peeves are nasty things.  They consume energy, resources, and attention.  The feeding and care of pet peeves, to groom them just so...well, you can become overly fixated on the things that annoy you, focusing on them, talking about them, giving them attention, rehashing them with friends, letting them eat at you, until youbecome very embittered.

I KNOW this, and yet, I am not having too much luck at stopping this behavior of mine.  I have an almost overwhelming urge to tell the table of loud gossip-mongers 30 feet away in a crowded restaurant that I literally CANNOT help but hear their conversation, which is utterly ridiculous.  That it should annoy me so and that they engage in rude loudness are both preposterous re/actions.

Irritation is an indication of mania.  this is often not expressed as i described above but rather for the reason that often the manic person is experiencing such rapid thoughts that they are unaware that a seemingly simple idea is actually not a linear string of logic, but rather a complex computation that others might not have the easiest time trying to follow.  Add to that the fact that usually the manic person is speaking so rapidly that it might be hard to understand him or her, let alone to actually comprehend the stream of thought flooding from their mouths.

All this is to say that since i am aware of this, sometimes i am not sure if i am experiencing disproportionate irritation or if i am on par with the rest of the majority ("normal") folks.  In the movie, "Beautiful Mind", John Nash (played by Russel Crowe) asks a student if she sees the strange man too...that is his check and balance.  Although Nash's illness (schizophrenia) is not my own, I find myself checking with others to see if i am re/acting appropriately.

Now, being an individual is one thing, but being an extremist makes life very difficult to navigate.  I think i may have gotten so used to being eccentric, existing on the fringes, outside the borders of what is acceptable that becoming more moderate, mid-range, toning it down some, is very difficult at times.  I am becoming better at that most of the time i think.  then there are times i cannot seem to modulate my own SELF at all.

SO, if you are so inclined, try this one for size, and see if it makes sense.  The normal bell curve distribution of people, their thoughts, actions, opinions, beliefs, etc. can be divided into deviations from the mean.  the mean is the average, the bulk of most folks, the consensus ofsociety.  a little ways from that main bulk, in either direction is one deviation, still very much in the majority range.  further out from that, you start to get away from the bulk of what is considered normal and get closer to the fringes.  yet another deviation out, and you are significantly different from all the rest of main society.  which in some cases is not such a bad thing.  but it is hard to function IN a society if you are considered too deviant in too many ways.

in some ways, i am more deviant than others, and is some cases, that is just FINE.  I have extensive tattooing and in most environments, that sets me aside.  and that's kewl.  in some crowds, i fit right in (in that regard) and that's ok too.  in some ways being deviant can be a positive thing, after all, i did not get to be a PhD student because i had "normal" intelligence and drive.  i got there by using my head and by determination.  i am the first to go through college in my family.  i did not come from priveleged folks where money'd pave the way.  so i am fiercely proud of being different than most in that way.

but then some normalcy, some order to the chaos, some routine...well, those can be GOOD things.  they lend predictablity and peace, rest and stillness to life, making it less jarring.  for those of us with panic disorders, having dealt with a fair amount of trauma and disturbances, less excitement can be a decidedly good thing.  what may seem mundane to some, may be welcomed to others.

well, i could go on and on and on, for longer than i have, but i think i shall attempt the sleep thing again, tonight, since last night it was a failed mission.  so sweet rest and til next post, enjoy the occasional still moments.  debra